Smile

I want to visit a place where it is quiet and peaceful. I want to be able to sleep the night away and wake up with no worries. I want to enjoy the silence all around and I want to be surrounded by people I love. I want to have a smile on my face. I don’t want to worry about the time. I don’t want a television around and I could do without the telephone. I don’t want any wild insects or animals that can’t behave. I want to have water that surrounds me and I want it to stretch as far as I can see. Yes. No vehicles, no gossip, no entertainment, just nature. At 25, I am American dreaming. I guess this is how my football career got legs in the first place…Dreaming. My ambition and hunger are just a little greater this time as I am aiming for something larger than a football career. I’m not sure if one can call my random thought “dreams.” I believe that they are expressions trapped inside my mind. I promise to provide them a pipeline to travel through so the world can feel me.

Roof tops and skylines. Blue water, white sand, and fresh fruit. Smiling faces and good laughs. Photos taken to capture the moments and good weather for us all to enjoy. I have the best thoughts on rainy days. Hold the handcuffs and collect calls. Lord knows it’s time for me to fly this coop. Pack light, stay long, stay up, stay focused, stay silent, stay nice, stay hungry, stay full, and stay loving it the whole time.

Monday

I am excited. I’m not sure about what, but I’m just in a good mood today. I’ve been doing well with my schoolwork. I’ve been training hard and my mind is clear. My family is happy and I’m enjoying that. I wish I could celebrate being happy. I’m not sure how I would go about doing that but I’m sure I’m going to figure it out. We will get a chance to go outside today, so I’ll probably relax and enjoy the weather. I like to sit on the bleachers and watch the clouds with music on my ears. I think that will be my way of celebrating me being happy. You don’t have a lot of options back here.

I’m sure there are plenty of others reading this who feel the exact same way and I want to tell you to enjoy yourself responsibly. If I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned to not take happiness for granted. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the smiles and do it often. You have people who wish they had something to smile about. Don’t take your happiness for granted. I won’t take everyone’s time up by reiterating the same thing over and over. All I have to say is enjoy life, because I certainly will today.

Random Thoughts Repeated

When you’re trying to be the best you can be in life there is no time to be scared or discouraged. There is no time to feel sorry and there is no time to make excuses. I live by and stand by the previous statements. My eyes stay wide open and my jaw stays clinched. No guts no glory. That is how I feel. You have to change your thoughts in order to change your life. Above all you have to believe in yourself. Even though it may be a problem at times, be conscious of staying above the fray and continue to educate yourself. I’m in love with school. I love philosophy and psychology. I want to show younger men throughout the word how they can take what’s learned in school and apply it to real life. I believe that is the reason why so many people look down on school. They don’t know how to apply lessons learned in school to everyday life. I see how I can use school to put myself in a position of power once I am released. It all starts with the mind. Our minds move the world. Thoughts move people. Thoughts and words put together correctly bring order. One of the worst things you can do is to let someone have control over your mind. When they control your mind they control your body. Don’t be a slave or a victim of someone else’s ignorance. Don’t be misled by the weak, uneducated, and foolish. If you do, life is sure to be miserable for many years. Always remember that there is not enough time to learn anything from a loser. Study from the winners and learn from the best. I’m on top of my game behind these walls.

Thinking about My Mother

I think one of the best feelings in the world to experience is a mother’s love and one of the worst feelings in the world to experience is a mother’s pain. My mother told me something the other day that hit me hard. She told me that she has never been in a position to do what she wants in all of her years of existence. At that moment I told myself that she has never really lived. I believe that you live and feel alive when you’re doing what you want instead of what you have to. My mother wasn’t born to suffer. My mother didn’t give birth to me and raise me to come to prison. She didn’t plan for this to be in my future. She provided me with the information and resources in order for me to grow and she worked hard doing it. My mother is special. I always think of the changes I went through when my life went topsy-turvy but I’ve never stopped to think of how she felt. I want to take this moment to apologize for being selfish and bringing embarrassment to you and the family. You played the mother AND father role every day, all day. When times were rough you busted your butt and spent those extra hours at work to take care of all of us. You deserve more than a post on my blog from prison. You are beautiful inside and out. Life for you, Ashley, and Jayden will change in due time. I now know where the real love comes from. The weak have packed up and gone home. I love you more than you could ever know. Do me a favor and do something that you know I would enjoy doing and while you’re doing it listen to some of my favorite music. Smile hard and laugh often. Hopefully, I’ll be home soon.

Letter to LeBron

Lose yourself in the moment my brother. Make history and represent Ohio how you’re supposed to. I’m on the sideline watching and rooting for you now, harder than ever. As a matter of fact I think this whole penitentiary is. In order to come back in this series you’re going to have to put the team on your back and reset the standard of playing for your team. You’re going to have to get extremely aggressive on both ends of the floor and let your team know that you didn’t come this far to lose. At this point in the season it’s all about ambition and execution. It will all come down to your mentality in the locker room and on the floor. Show the world why they call you “King.” You know I hate that “Ohio always chokes up” s***. I’m sure you feel the same way. I’m tired of hearing that Cleveland hasn’t won anything since the Jim Brown era. That team is built around you. They follow your lead. They follow your energy. They depend on you homey. I know that there are four other players on the floor who have to play with you but there comes a time when you have to become selfish in order for the team to move forward. That time is now. Make history. Shatter Orlando’s hopes of moving on. Show the world how serious the Cavs are. Show the league what “GOING HARD” really means and looks like. Show the world what it looks like to be hungry. Show your team what determination looks like. Go get what you came for. Its not about the money for you, you have it. It’s about respect.

My OHIO State of Mind

No one wants it more than me. This experience is making me more ambitious and driven. I have never felt like this before. NEVER. I black out often. Not in terms of blacking out from exhaustion, I’m talking about blacking out when I think about how bad I want my freedom and to play ball again. I have so much raw energy inside of me. I have so many life experiences. I have so much patience yet I am so hungry. I often find myself alone because there are few who identify with me. I write these posts everyday but still few people on here can actually understand what I mean when I say that I am driven beyond comprehension. I read, study, and workout like I am insane. I am serious about life. I pick myself up off of my back. I don’t play around. I am mentally and physically ready to leave this facility and become an asset to my family on so many levels. I am prepared to be a leader. I survived my struggles. I know what it takes. If you haven’t noticed I am a little charged because I received some pictures of my daughter and it’s hard to believe how fast she’s growing. When I received them I asked myself, “What am I doing here?” I thought to myself how I am living on steel bunks and walking around on concrete floors while being told what I can and can’t do and my little girl is in pictures learning how to skate. That drives me crazy sometimes. Let me tell everyone this: I promise myself that what I lack in intellect I’ll forever make up for with hard work. No one works harder. No one loves harder. To anyone going through an extreme adverse moment, I am here to tell you not to give up. There is more life to live. There are more smiles to be experienced. Stay focused and remain on your grind.

A Site to be Seen

     Some days I wish the world was able to see the amount of talent behind these walls. Creativity is at an all-time high back here. Above all though, you have some people who can play any and every sport like professionals. Yesterday I participated in a game where a man scored 54 points. It wasn’t that no one was watching him it was that he could get open and shoot the ball from any distance. What I am talking about when I say any distance, I am talking about six to seven feet behind the three point line. Even though we were playing a game I still watched in amazement. You have some men who just work on their game day in and day out and it shows on the court. You have some who can jump and dunk and could probably compete in the NBA dunk contest. Some aren’t even 21 and some are above the age of 40. You have so much talent, that’s all I’m saying. If people had a chance to see it they’d enjoy it because it is rough and raw. The gym is real small and stuffy, especially when all the inmates come to see the game. People play their hardest and it’s all for respect. They play hard because they are passionate. Even though I hate being here, I can say that I’ve witnessed a couple of people who could’ve played in the NBA if circumstances were different. The bottom line is that I am not the only good athlete back here.