My Vision

Visiting…Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I always ask myself that question when my family is coming to see me. I am always restless the night before as if it is some major event, Funny right? Prior to my visit Sunday I had been up since 2 AM. I am an early bird but 2 AM is a little extreme. I couldn’t fall back asleep to save my life. I tossed, turned, and watched everything on TV to try and get me to go back to sleep. Nothing worked. I was just sitting up thinking about them getting prepared to make the drive up. First and foremost, I always worry about their safe arrival. Second, I always hope that they will enjoy themselves despite the physical surroundings. Yesterday, they did not let me down and we all had a good time.

As usual, my little girl, came running up to me as soon as she seen me. I love that little girl. As she came running up to me, she held her little arms out for me to pick her up. As I picked her up to hug her, I told her to give me a kiss and she did. She kept saying, “Let’s go see Mommy and Maw Maw.” She kept directing me back to the table where my girlfriend and mother were seated. They had smiles on their faces as I hugged and kissed them also. To make a long story short, we shared a lot of jokes and laughs on the visit. Jayden kept everyone entertained by being the center of attention. She had a ball going back and forth to the vending machines. She swears she is my little waitress. Every time something drops down in the machine she always makes sure she is the one to run it back to me. Yesterday, I finally realized there is an unwritten rule; whenever I get ready to eat anything Jayden ALWAYS gets the first bite. She makes me laugh every time.

Needless to say, I had a good time. I love to see them come but it hits home when they leave. Hopefully it will not be that long before I get to be surrounded by their love every day. I am taking it all one day at time. This time has really tested the love, patience, strength, and authenticity of my three most important relationships and I can say they all are 100% real. Their actions have spoken for themselves. It is not easy to support someone locked away. Prior to this blog, I had been forgotten about. I want to thank my family for helping to keep my spirit alive.

Family Time

Happy Sunday! I am on my way to visit with my family. J If I do not make my usual post later, we will resume normal actions first thing Monday morning.

A Bump in the Road

I sprained my ankle today while playing basketball. I think I hollered every four, five, six, and seven letter word out loud when it happened. I was jumping for a rebound and came down on another player’s foot. I don’t mind getting hurt when I am playing hard and this was the case. Injuries happen. I just don’t want to be handicapped in prison, of all places. This isn’t like the free world where you can get a good ankle brace, ice, and some anti-inflammatory medicine. It is a much more drawn out process here. I will be okay though. I have plenty of experience rehabbing my ankles. I had surgery on my right ankle in high school that slowed me down for 5-7 months. Today I re-injured the same ankle that I had surgery on in high school.

Life goes on and things happen. I have to move on, bad ankle and all. I love my mentality. I love being able to say, “Minute problems no longer consume me.” Putting my energy towards fulfilling my vision is far more important than sitting back and babysitting my ankle all day. I had a bad day earlier this week but I told you all I stay charged most of the time. My mind, most of my body, family, friends, and spirit are all healthy, literally. You have to stay on top of your game in the “Concrete Jungle.” Your eyes have to stay fixed on your vision and your actions have to align with your thoughts. I have to keep on pushing.

Visit and Stay a While

The radio can be very helpful during incarceration. Yesterday I had a chance to hear two of my favorite songs, “California Love” and “To Live and Die in LA.” They are both by the late Tupac. Those two songs took me back out West (mentally). I do not have one bad memory of living in LA. Everyday felt like a Friday, your favorite holiday, and your 21^st birthday all rolled into one. I can’t imagine a life without LA being in the equation. I love the water and the weather. I love the energy. I love the diverse culture. I love all the different mentalities. I love the innovative spirits out there. I love the homes. I love the hospitality. I love the fact that you hear Spanish being spoken all day, every day. I love my Mexican homeboys. I don’t like the vanity, but it is entertaining. I love the authentic feeling in the air. I love the originality. I love seeing actual locations of where movies were made. I love the Sunset Strip on any night. I love the Third Street Promenade. I could go on and on but those are just a few things that were on my mind.

 

It is my official home away from Ohio. I love it. I get a rush every time I land at LAX. It never gets old. I believe I love it so much because there are endless options and opportunities to entertain you and your family. There is a scene for everything. Television depicts the city all wrong. I recommend California to everyone. I recommend everything from Compton to Malibu; Long Beach to the Valley; Manhattan Beach to Venice Beach; Hollywood to Marina Del Ray. It is all good. I would love to go and play on the beach with my family right now. J

I’m Going Crazy

I am not going crazy. I just know that people have a weird fetish to read, watch, and listen to people having hard times. I wonder what that says about them. Let me look in my psychology book…J

I had a sudden influx of traffic due to my post on Monday. It is funny to think that people latched on to one of my more depressing posts. It made me wonder, do people like to see me miserable. Or do people just love and identify with misery in general? Was the post from Monday a reflection of the times in the free world? Who knows? It just made me wonder. I wonder if I use four and five letter words more often would I be the “Blog King?” J would that be more suiting? I don’t want to find out. I will leave it to the next person to try.

I will say this though, I wrote that to show people I am still human. Even though I have more energy, optimism, faith and ambition, than anyone you can imagine, I still get irritated at times. This is still prison. I do think that people gravitate and constantly tune into me because I am their best and worst thoughts and action. From the outside looking in, up to the point of prison, I was and still am an interesting and entertaining story to watch play out. I am guaranteed to push it to the limit every time. Good or bad, something significant, classical, and historical is bound to happen when I am around. Guaranteed.

I share these thoughts with everyone for the purpose of letting others watch my evolution. This is real life. I have no cameras, producers, writers, or sponsors to try to please on this reality show. This is “Daddy the Explorer.” J If I get out of here and become successful people will say that making these posts is one of the greatest things I ever did. They will take some of my comments off of this site and quote me like one of the greats. J They’ll invite me back to the special dinners, schools, and exclusive clubhouses that they stopped inviting me to when things went sour. They will want to take pictures and tell me how they always believed in me, even when I was at my lowest. Shallow people are so predictable.

On the flip side of the coin, if I get out and become a failure (NOT LIKELY TO HAPPEN), then people will say that this was nonsense and everyone were idiots for tuning in daily. They will use this as an example of great con. I won’t receive my invite to the special dinners, schools, or clubhouses. L I won’t take any pictures and the shallow people of the word will celebrate my demise. They’ll tell me that they threw my jersey away and they can’t watch the 2002 National Championship game because I am in it. Then they’ll tell me how I ran a slow 40 yard dash, got cut from Denver, and how stupid I was for leaving school early, and catching two criminal cases. Guaranteed. I am so above it all. Pay attention and learn something. Apply whatever it is you learn to your daily actions consistently and live free. The only thing that will bother me is a new indictment. I am out— back to business as usual.

Nothing Like Her

I am feeling a lot better since yesterday. There is nothing like a lot of solitude and silence. Today it is back to business as usual. I think my little girl may have known that I was a little aggravated because when I called home, she kept grabbing the phone from my girlfriend and sing all the songs she knew. She sang everything from her ABC’s to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I believe that she sang each song twenty times. Despite all the frustrations yesterday, she gave me plenty of reasons to laugh. She makes me think back to when I was a kid, when I still had that innocence and sense of wonder. When I am sane I still have it to some degree but there is nothing like feeling the freshness of life like when you’re a kid. Isn’t it crazy how all you think about is enjoying yourself?

Let me keep filling everyone in on my little lady. She had her Patti LaBelle moment early in the day. When I called back later in the evening my girlfriend informed me that I had a new nickname, “Daddy the Explorer,” funny right? I am not sure how, why, or when she decided to give it to me but all I can say is that it kept me laughing and a smile on my face. That is my little girl. Every time she grabs the phone there is an instant, “I love you, Daddy.” That right there never gets old. Every time she comes and visits me she runs up to me with her arms out yelling, “Daddy!” From what I hear, my little girl keeps me at her Tea Party year round. She brought my picture to her table as company and I haven’t left yet. Just think this is all distant love. Just wait until I return. It is comical when people began to say that my new attitude is nonsense. Read the above people, things like that factor into your decision making. My daughter was three weeks when I came to prison. She is growing up without me physically being there. I can’t have that. She needs me. I love my little girl. I read Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point; How Little Things Make a Big Difference” and my little girl is the “little thing” that makes a big difference in my life.

Excuse My Language

I woke up in a F*** everything mode this morning. I can’t lie about it. I just had one of those moments. I was real restless last night, tossing and turning because it was so cold in the cell. I got up this morning saying to myself, “F*** this, this s*** has to come to an end.” I told everyone that I have moments like these, back here. I got up and was looking in the mirror and there was no emotion on my face, absolutely none. I started to look at the pictures on my mirror of my family and friends and I thought to myself, “I am really spending my life in here and I have all of that out there.” I had to seriously ask myself, “Is this what I traded that for? Is this what I really signed up for?” I’d rather die before I come back to this hell hole.

When my attitude is like this I choose to consciously stay in the cell most of the day and do nothing. This isn’t the environment to walk around in with a chip on your shoulder. In situations like this, it’s better to stay to yourself and get your attitude in order. Believe me, there are hundreds of people who all feel the same way and when those attitudes have the opportunity to meet each other, nothing good happens, nothing. I am not about to make a bad situation worse. I did that when I caught a new case before my first one was resolved. I am cool. Moments like this are what make me really serious all the time. I understand how real it can get in life. I’m attempting to leave here early so my attitude has to be in compliance.

I always talk about choices, decisions, friends, wisdom, and the questions people should ask for a reason. Life can get extremely ugly and everyone is not tough enough to stick it out. So before any nonsense takes place, take heed to this information and calculate your movements in life. I am going to get it together in a few hours just by sitting in silence and getting back to visualizing what is important. I just wanted to share some of the things I am going through.

 

***Update: I currently weigh in at 223lbs and am pretty lean all over.***