The thought of me possibly going home early is leaving me restless. I think of freedom all day and night. In the nighttime I toss and turn. It seems like the feeling heavily hits me when I am locked down at night. It is as if the thoughts are waiting on me in the cell when I enter at night. I can see the effects in the AM every day. The bags under my eyes are heavy and my nightly thoughts preoccupy my daily rotation. It is sad to say but, it seems like for the first time, the thought of me being free is consuming me. When I had more mandatory time, I didn’t even think of my freedom. The feelings I am experiencing are identical with those of high school seniors. I guess I would say that I am just anxious to get to the next chapter of my life.
I keep telling myself that my personal duties and vision has to be fulfilled despite how I feel. That last sentence keeps me moving. There are people who have more complex dilemmas that stump them. I will get over this. This is one of those mentally challenging moments I discuss with everyone. It is the oddest of things that keep my mind running. It is hardly ever the things I expect to bother me. I think it is bothering me because I am trying to control it, figure it out, and deal with it. It is like I want to look in the future and hear the prosecutor and judge’s decision about me leaving early. Certainty births security and security births peace. Peace births clarity and clarity allows me to move accordingly. Who knew a couple of bad decisions would have me in a cell even contemplating these thoughts. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem real.