Hmm…Just Thinking

    One thing that really frustrates me is that I have not been relevant to my family for the past four summers. That puts a chip on my shoulder. I have no one to blame but myself. The thoughts just put me in a zone like no other. It puts me in my “One and only” mode. I know that there is no way for me to make up for lost time but hopefully my actions in the future will help them to forget all that’s taken place in the past. I never thought I’d once again be in the position of thinking how am I going to get out of this rut. I think that the longer I wait the more serious I become. I think it’s because I have a good understanding on what it means to be physically free.

Exposed in Due Time

    One thing I know is that in due time everyone and everything gets exposed. Prison teaches you how to expose everyone and everything through conversation. It is a straight forward environment. There is no beating around the bush or bluffing here. That is one thing that I will take with me. Understanding the techniques of getting to the bottom-line in anything right away will keep my family’s life secure on any and all levels. It keeps the weasels, pretenders, rookies, and procrastinators at bay. Please remember that weak minds produce weak thoughts and weak thoughts produce weak action. Weak actions produce weak lives and weak lives cause a lot of heartache, headaches, stress, depression, and anxiety. Respect your own mind and educate yourself. Everything else will fall in order. Take it from me, being stupid is not cool.

Human I Am

    Hypocrite I am not but human I am. Contradicting I am not but human I am. I have one physical life to live and I promise my family everyday that I will never burden them with another trip like this. I love my little girl and her smile. I love my girlfriend and her smile. I love my mother, brothers’ (both in Ohio and Cali) smiles also. We are all special in our own way. I believe that I have the ability to put an umbrella over all of their heads so they can rest and live easy. I once believed it would be through my physical abilities. I now believe that it will solely be through my mental and natural abilities. I’m not scared, just serious.

11 O’clock Thoughts

    A splash of class with a body full of attitude. Some say I’m arrogant and rude at times and others say I’m kind, humble, and thoughtful. My daughter says she loves me and some people I’ve never met say they hate me. Not through their mouth though, only through body language and computer screens. I would like to call present day Maurice ambitious and straight forward, driven and serious, loving and respectful. I enjoy writing but I don’t want to be a writer. I just want to express myself when I’m inspired to share something that I believe is thought provoking or interesting to me. I want to shed light on my life in hopes that there is someone out there that I can identify with and help out. Prison is something everyone should try to avoid. This is insane sometimes. It’s extremely hard to describe but easy to understand once you live it. One thing that consistently messes with my mind is realizing that I talk to and have formed relationships with people who will never go home again. I count, understand, and respect my blessings. Time flies and life is short. Above all, STAY REAL and full of integrity throughout it all.

You Understand?

    What is it that keeps my nose to the ground and my eyes wide open? I sure as hell don’t know the answer. I don’t understand defeat and I can’t come to the thought of quitting on my family. I live in my mind. I reside there because it is the place where I do know what I do know. Everything and everyone are very familiar. The effects of other thoughts are what I do not know. I often do not understand their intentions, yet I have to physically live in a world where the result of their thoughts affects me and those I love. When my mind is in this mode it often inspires me to go and live in the country or somewhere next to a beach. I love nature. The thoughts of wanting to please my physical desires are what keep me suffering. One part or level of me wants no part of everyday society and yet another wants me to push me and my family’s life to the limit for the sake of the ride. It’s like an all or nothing attitude on one hand and an I don’t want to be bothered with the sad stories, bickering and hatred of the world attitude on the other. I must say this though, through all of the struggles I’ve faced and overcome I thank God for still allowing me to think and share my thoughts with the world.

Honesty

    I’m a man and I struggle. I’m not speaking of anything specific. I’m just talking in general. Depression comes and depression goes. Inspiring thoughts come and they flee as fast as they come. Sometimes my spirit is in balance and at others it runs wild. I’m not afraid. I just get a little confused at times. I know which way is up and I know how to identify a weasel from a mile away. I know who I love and I know why I love them. I don’t claim to be omniscient but I do claim to be a survivor of the urban circumstances and experiences. Sometimes I think I’ve cheated or dodged my fate. Old thoughts often tackle my emotions and leave me paralyzed momentarily. Does anyone know what it feels like to be stuck mentally for days on end? Depressing thoughts are the invisible weight we all hate to carry but at times is inevitable. Above all, I shall continue to cruise along on this dry land doing whatever my heart desires. My effort in anything I’ve ever done has never been in question. It has just been my aim. I personally believe that I’ve been aiming too low. A body and mind full of endless possibilities that I cannot and will not waste it back here. I’m Youngstown’s own.

Understand

Everything will never be understood by everybody and everybody that claims to be a “somebody” won’t understand everything. What is understood by me only comes through my personal experiences. My understanding of my life’s events is the only thing that matters when it comes to being understood. My ears and eyes constantly deceive me so I assess my life’s journey through spirits and energies that I feel and review through my mind’s eye. The physical world is filled with endless amounts of entertainment. I often find myself in situations where I understand little yet everything at the same time. Simplicity has a beauty like no other. I often ask myself why is it that I had to experience so much to realize that very little matters. Isn’t it ironic that you have to accumulate a lot of information and go through the ups and downs of life to realize nothing matters? On a lighter note, I learned something major from watching all of the Michael Jackson tributes and that is: enjoy life while you’re here, spread all the love you can to everyone you can, and laugh and smile often.

Traffic

I am who I am. I do what I do and it is what it is. It takes a lot of courage and character to keep going on after what I’ve been through. Some people have gone crazy and have never recovered from the crazy state of mind due to the stress that was imposed on them. Respect the fact that I’ve put in the work necessary to get my life back in order. Extreme depression and excessive amounts of stress can mess up anyone’s life. If everyone will just take a moment to imagine with me an 18 yr old who is not well traveled or formally educated and has only been faced with urban challenges. In a nutshell that’s who I was when I was dealing with problems that I didn’t have the capacity to understand, manage, control, or properly assess. I didn’t have the intelligence or the resources to reach out to the appropriate human resources to help me out in those situations that I faced as a teenager. The majority of the events that I’ve been through are unprecedented. It will be interesting to see someone do a psychological analysis on all parties in situations like mines. Take my situation and manufacture it with another human being and let’s watch how things play out. Looking back now, at 25 and with a little more intelligence, things were and still are overwhelming and hard to understand. I still can’t seem to understand what took place completely. I have different ideas and theories but it will forever be a mystery. I’m sure everyone that was involved can’t quite understand what took place. It’s not like I’m searching for an answer. I’m just expressing my late night thoughts. Someone sent me a photo to autograph and the photo sent me down memory lane. My choices weren’t the best but I don’t believe people should have written me off the way they did. If you really had love for me you would not have cast me off like a lot of people did without understanding what really took place. At 19 years old circumstances were beyond me. I am who I am though. I’m here and I’m strong. I have a vision. I’m serious and I have integrity. On another note, I have to get something off my mind. It took quite some time to write these next lines…but here they are. I wish much success to all my old friends who forgot about me. That goes from the rich ones to the poor ones. There will never be any hard feelings once I’m released but I will forever remember who stood by my side when things got hard. Now that the popularity, women, clubs, clothes, jewelry, cars, and bright lights are gone, so are you all. I’ll let you all live with that. I have never been hard to find or reach. People make time for things that are important to them. It’s obvious that I’m not important to any of my old friends. I’ll have the last laugh though. Success speaks for itself. Entourage out, family in. No mail, no photos, no magazines, no money orders, or visits…no problem. I’ll save my spare time for my daughter. It hurts when you think that you don’t matter, or should I say, didn’t matter in someone’s life. It makes me feel like the good and bad times that were spent together meant nothing. I’m not looking to reconnect with any of you. I’m just here to say that for future reference, if you ever have a friend who runs into an uncomfortable situation take the time out of your day to make sure that friend is forever good if you have the ability to. Real friends do real things.

I’m Back

It is official, I am back. I took a week’s vacation to step back and look at where my life was heading. I had to re-evaluate my family interactions, schooling, friendships, life vision, and all of my other life events. I needed some time to myself. Since I’ve been incarcerated it’s been constant reading, working out, and writing. In order to keep things fresh I think it was appropriate to take at least a week off and do nothing but reflect. It gave me some time to appreciate all the people who have helped me throughout this experience. The mental and financial support has helped immensely. I appreciate the favors from the people who say they really have love and respect for me. I appreciate the love. I didn’t even have to ask for most of the favors. Most people just stepped up like real friends should and do. The sad thing about it is that these are the friends that I gave little attention to. It’s embarrassing to say but it’s the truth. I can’t turn back the hands of time but I can take the time out to thank them publically. On a lighter note, I have some interesting or should I say thought provoking things to get off my mind. Keep tuning in and check out what I have to say.

Picture Me

Picture me being free. Picture me being successful. Picture me smiling. Picture me thinking. Picture me having fun and traveling with my family. Picture me giving back. Picture me graduating. Picture me living with humility. Picture me living with character. Picture my mother smiling and laughing. Picture me looking at the ocean from the penthouse. Picture me laughing with my big homey out west. Picture me being an asset to my community. Picture me being free of confrontation. Picture me working hard for it all. Picture me grinding and picture the fire in my eyes. Picture me getting up early and going to sleep late. Picture me being on top of my game. Picture me leaving the arrogance at home and picture me celebrating life with the people who really held me down during this period of incarceration. Picture me laughing in the face of adversity. Picture me ignoring what doesn’t help me grow. Picture me breeding this state of mind. Picture me helping raise a new generation. Picture me having influence. Picture me telling the kids of my neighborhood that they can be what they really want to be and picture me helping them find their way. Picture it, put action towards it, and never lose focus. Bring arrogance to the forefront when someone tries to discourage you from being what you want to be and fulfill your life’s vision.